


Find Me There

by tinyenthusiasttriumph



Category: Hannibal (TV) RPF, Hannibal Extended Universe - Fandom
Genre: Anal Sex, Damncy likes it a little rough, Did I mention angst, Dirty Talk, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Hand Jobs, Hugh is a bottom in this but they totally flip, M/M, Madancy, Oral Sex, RPF, Romance, Sexual Tension, Show References, So much angst, Tagged Will/Hannibal for character and real life parallels, WARNING: there is no lube, all the feels so grab a tissue, fannibal jokes, that poor driver
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-06-14 07:17:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15383520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinyenthusiasttriumph/pseuds/tinyenthusiasttriumph
Summary: Mads and Hugh have felt this connection for some time. Acting as H & W has caused some unspoken thing to bubble up to the surface. Feelings happen. Pain happens. Life happens. It's BEAUTIFUL!!!!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey Fam, this is my debut. Taking on Madancy was a big bite to chew but when something tugs at your heart you go for it!! Hope ya dig it 

_sweven (n.) a vision seen in sleep; a dream_

 

   My memory drifted to his hands. They were strong, veins always pushing towards the surface, full of that Scandinavian life force that made him a presence that swept over me like an electromagnetic pulse. Everything shut down when I was in his orbit. I had tasted that blood once, after drinking myself into oblivion on a chilly Toronto evening. It was late or early, depending on how you perceived time. With him it always seemed eternal yet fleeting. Never enough. Time with him was never enough.

 

   We were walking the frozen streets of Canada, welcoming the break from shooting and decided a night of drunken meandering was suitable. M was singing something offkey in Danish, most likely some Viking war chant. He looked my way to gauge my reaction and to also make sure I hadn't wandered into the street. The corners of his mouth lifted so subtly into the faintest smirk. In that moment I knew I was overcome. I had never needed to touch anyone like I needed to touch him. When he saw what I could only imagine looked like ravenous hunger in my eyes, I swear he braced for impact. I traversed the space between us with the accuracy of a feral hunter. I knew where I wanted to strike first. That mouth, oh God, that mouth. My name on his lips was a slow death, poison I would gladly imbibe like the finest alcohol money could buy. I wanted to speak but my words were weighted down, anchored to my throat by the cheap whiskey I had chosen instead. The night was frigid but there was a searing heat radiating from his skin as I brought my hand to his cheek. I wanted him to tell me to stop, to turn away from my fumbling touch. I didn't want this. I couldn't want this. I couldn't have him. What I wanted wasn't right. I'm frozen on the sidewalk, my hand immovable from it's resting place. I'm softly thumbing that perfectly chiseled goddamned cheekbone. I could've sworn in that moment this drunken Danish oaf was purring in contentment like a domesticated house cat. He closed his eyes and slanted his cheek away from my touch so that his mouth aligned with my fleshy digit, teeth grazing the soft padding. The sensation makes my breath hitch. I gulp shards of prickly winter air down the back of my throat. My heart has sunk into my stomach, and the weight is anchoring me to the hard ground. A stab of heat, a lightning strike, rushes to my thighs. Suddenly an unforeseen force of nature launches me forward like a meteor crashing towards the center of the Earth. His gravity is pulling me. He's where I want to land. Crashing upon his sharp edges. I'm at the mercy of my need for him, what I want to taste and feel as I press myself into him. His arms cocoon me as the world around us blurs. He holds my gaze, mirroring the same desire, as I move my face closer to his. A jolt shoots through my scalp as he gathers a handful of these ridiculously wild curls I've been plagued with my entire life. My chin is jutted upwards. I fight against the pull but he counteracts me with bold defiance. His breath is hot and wet on my throat, lips trailing the strained muscle towards my ear. Then it comes. The siren song. A spell. One word. My name. A hum turned into a whisper. How can something so softly spoken be heard like thunder? It sounded like the crash of a thousand rocks thrown against glass, shattering all my composure. I want to collapse, dissolve into the ground that's placing him too close to me. Too close to the core of my soul. I'm laid bare and vulnerable. I pull once more against his grasp, but he holds tighter causing a burning sensation that threatens to cross the barrier to my brain. I was on the brink of shutting down. He brings his lips dangerously close to mine. I want his taste in my mouth. A whine has wound its way through my suffering.

 

 _“Please”_ , I can feel the tears welling, “ _if I don't kiss you soon, I think I could very well die.”_

 

   With that I'm released. Our mouths crash together. I'm pulled in closer. In my haste to join myself to him I can feel teeth and flesh collide. I want to mark him in some way, make him mine. As soon as the thought passes I feel his blood filling my mouth. I didn't mean to bite him that hard. I wait for a string of Danish curses but instead iron and saliva are swirled together as he kisses me deeper and more passionately than I ever imagined I could be. The warmth, the salt, and the metal combine between us like a potent drug. We're gasping for air through flared nostrils, afraid to break the seal. A drop of water could freeze in mid air tonight but our kiss was dangerously close to engulfing us and the ground beneath into flames. His kiss wasn't enough. I needed more of him. My hands were being met with an oversized coat. The cold of the night was waging war with the heat between us. I couldn't get to him and I felt the agony pool in my throat with his blood. Words surfacing to speak my disdain.

 

“ _I need to touch you. It's fucking cold and I want to feel you on me. I want you in every way possible, please.”_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's getting hot in here.......

  _sulit (adj.) something that is worth it_

 

   A calming voice jolts me out of my memory palace. It's funny, memory palaces. What started out as an idea for a t.v. show has been a valuable tool for me in my real life. The flight attendant asks if I need anything. My voice says, _“whiskey on the rocks”_ but my brain screams, _“well there's this tall Danish fucker laying on a beach in Mallorca, most likely naked!”_ Whiskey it is. Whiskey. M always wondered why I had adopted that particular vice from Graham. Truthfully, I don't really have a definitive answer. I suppose it was an homage to the character that birthed a great realization. That realization? I was being gifted this great love.

 

   After that night my world spun. Regret flooded everywhere his love tried to shine through. M is the most giving and compassionate soul I have ever met. His feelings never scared him. Mine set me unraveling like a ball of twine. An easy target for a playful animal, yet he never took advantage of my unstable footing. After shoots we would talk and drink too much as usual. I would initiate intimacy and then push him away. Without notice he would pull me into his crushing embrace and as much as I wanted to struggle against him, there was no fighting what was happening between us. My heart was halving itself. I always fought with the rights and wrongs of loving him. He wasn't filling a void. There wasn't a missing piece in my life. But who makes the rules of love? Why does something have to be missing? The implications of what I was feeling for him burrowed in my brain and set my mind on fire. What he means to me. What we have, is orphic. Beyond worlds and words. Why does it tear me apart?

 

   I can feel my mind begin to wander again. Thoughts of us bring me comfort despite the dizzying roller coaster of emotional turmoil I strap myself into. Moments with him are puzzle pieces. Stored away for rainy days. Together we painted this beautiful picture of a life that couldn't be. Not outside. Not in the light of the sun. We made promises to other people. Bonds and commitments that we didn't want to break, hurt that we didn't want to cause. He once asked me if I regretted loving him. He'd always been the strong one, much braver than I, but that day we had filmed the hand wrapping scene. The fannibals called it hand porn. I can't help but chuckle out loud. So much love between us was laid out and plated up, symbolically speaking, on the polished dining table of Hannibal fucking Lecter. We fell in love in tandem with our characters. There had always been something between us but it was nameless for all those years. A deep connection that had no voice until Will & Hannibal. Cannibalism aside, this was a love story, a dance perfected by the real emotion brimming below the surface. I was so fucking turned on by his hands I thought I was gonna explode. The scene was loving and searingly sensual. Those hands were a weak spot. A chink in my armor. A break in my resolve. I would lose myself in those hands for an eternity if I could.

 

    You wanna know the real reason Will Graham looked pained and angsty all the time? It wasn't fucking ENCEPHALITIS. It was me, HUGH MICHAEL HORACE DANCY, trying to keep my erections at bay.

 

   When I finally got those hands to myself I could sense an unusual melancholic force radiating from him. He was laying in his bed, eyes closed. Ill-fitting track pants hanging low on his hips. No shirt. The sight of him caused a Pavlovian response; I felt my cock twitch and fill. I lowered myself onto the bed still wearing Will's slutty little undergarments. Not my usual style but he loved them. I think he enjoyed removing them more than anything. As soon as he felt the weight of me his eyes opened and caught mine, locking me in place. Something was on his mind and I wanted to comfort him. I could see storm clouds gathering, a white squall was about to crash. He parted his lips to speak. I put my finger there, silencing the storm for just a moment. I felt him ease as I laid my head upon his chest. I could feel the rise and fall of hitched breath as I wound my fingers through the graying patch of fluff there. I alternated delicate touches, trailing my fingers just below the waistband of his pants. I was particularly attuned to his need at the moment. He needed ME. Needed to know that when I was here I was his and that it was MY choice. It wasn't a blurring of characters, it wasn't Hannibal and Will. It was us.

 

   As we melted together he spoke in a whisper, _“I've loved you for so long that I couldn't imagine a life not loving you. It started out as friends, yes, but what we have now is beyond anything. If you told me that you were confused or changed your mind, my world would cave in on itself.”_ I can sense the sadness. I can see the welling up, tears threatening to spill. _“Do you honestly regret us?”_ The silence in the room when he finally asks is defeating. The strongest man I had ever known was as fragile as a lamb in my hands. I brought my face to his so that there wasn't an inch between us. I kissed a tear that had collected in the crease, tasting salt and savoring what it meant. His love for me was fragile and wonderful and had to be protected. I caressed his face gently, holding him steady, as I collected my thoughts. I could feel him inside my mind. How I wished he could see what I held there.

 

   I broke the silence, _“I will never regret any part of this, you, us. I am sorry that I ever made you doubt what I feel. How much I love you.”_

 

_“Now, will you do me a favor?”_

 

_“Anything”_ he purred. My lion had returned.

 

_“Could you please put your mouth on me?”_

 

_“I would be more than happy to oblige wee man.”_

 

_“God. You and that fucking nickname. You know I'm not that bloody tiny.”_ I growled at him playfully as he took my hands in his and pulled them down to my sides.

 

   He filled the spaces between my digits with his own. Twining ours hands together rubbing his thumbs along the pointer fingers on both hands. Soft and gentle. The purest form of touch. He leaned his mouth towards my jaw creating a trail of kisses to my ear. My body was unraveling as I felt them stop. His hot breath, the lilt in his voice.

 

_“Not everything about you is tiny my love.”_

 

  I couldn't take it anymore, _“if you don't fuck me soon I'm gonna punch you.”_

 

   I was subsequently fucked senseless that afternoon. A high I would crave during the show’s run. The withdrawal more painful than I could ever imagine. How do you survive with half of your heart separated from you? He completed my puzzle. The reality of life closed around us in those final days.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mads & Hugh are reunited in Spain. This is it y'all the moment you've waited for. The SMUTPALOOZA!!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Chapter REALLY should been broken into two BUT it's full of smut so I'm sure I will be forgiven!!!!
> 
> Sidenote: I'm posting this from a shitty cell. I've been formatting/editing in rich text but this Chapter kept crashing so it's not going to have the italicized dialogue or paragraph structure like previous chapters because I've already had it deleted twice and I'm losing my mind!!! Thanks for tagging along. This is the good stuff ⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇

aeipathy (n.) an enduring and consuming passion

An authoritative voice jolts me from my reverie announcing our preparation for dissent. My heart skips a beat. It had been so long since I've touched him. I can feel his imprint on my skin. His touch is like an invisible tattoo tracing our story along the curves of my body. These thoughts are making me very happy I've worn loose fitting linen pants. M is a magnet. The farther apart we are the more the pull is weakened but when he's near there is no fighting the attraction. I can feel him now as I'm preparing to exit the plane. My course pointing towards him. My compass. My North Star. The slow moving travelers in front of me were creating a level of impatience that overwhelmed my proper British aesthetic. I had to chuckle silently to myself. 

As soon as I'm able I send a text, “Where are you?” For good measure I've thrown in a winky face at the end. I don't think a nanosecond passed before the screen lit up. “Come to daddy, little cub.” 

“Bloody Christ M, don't start with that daddy shit or I will turn right round and board the plane.”

“I think I could persuade you to stay, darling.” 

“Oh yeah? How's that?”

“Why don't you come find out?”

I grabbed my luggage from the carousel and made my way towards the front of the airport. I knew where he would be. I swear every time I saw him after a separation it was like seeing the sun after years in darkness. I know it's super cliche but he was perfect. He was mine. I know that we shared our lives with other people, but in the moments we were together we were just us and it was glorious to bask in that light. 

I spotted him. How could I not? Walking billboard for his favorite brand of athletic wear. Loose fitting shorts, mismatched shirt, sun kissed skin, and salt watered tresses. It wasn't hot outside but my skin started to warm. The sight of him making my white button up seem tighter than it was. Again, I applauded myself for the linen pants because I was getting hard with every step towards him. I had to gather my composure. Reel in my scattered thoughts. I wanted to take him in my arms so badly. I ached for him. He was facing me butt first, lighting a cigarette. I took my opportunity to sneak up behind him. I caught his scent, smoke and wet heat, it invaded my nostrils and lingered there.

“Did you just smell me?” He was still turned back to front but I caught the side of his mouth lift in a smirk as he took a drag and exhaled his question. Turning his face left hoping to catch my eyes. 

“I sure did.”

“Does it meet your olfactory standards?”

“Better than anything with a ship on the bottle.” 

I brushed the soft curves of his ass with my now full on erection. His breath caught as he tried to take one last draw from his cigarette. He choked a little and then decided to toss the thing in the sidewalk. He leaned into my playful stance. His head was still turned to the side, his cheek now hovering over my lips. 

“I missed you baby.”

I whispered back into his dewy skin, “I missed you more.”

He turned his body to face me. My hands were shaking but I couldn't let go of my bags. We stood there with our eyes locked. Trying to hold the moment. Sketching it to memory. He reached towards me to grab my luggage. His thumb grazed my wrist. If these gentle touches were all I got this entire trip I swear these crumbs of affection could feed my soul for years to come. That's how his particular kind of love worked on me. The slightest gesture, the smallest touch, felt like waves crashing into me. I would gladly drown in him, in this. 

A car was waiting for us. Black with tinted windows. The driver exited the front seat to retrieve my luggage from M and place it in the trunk. My chivalrous god opened the door for me and followed behind me as I found the seat. Before I could get comfortable I felt his left hand tracing the outline of my hardened cock. He nuzzled against my jawline. Hot breath and tender lips claiming heated skin. I was on the brink of coming unglued. Pressing my back against the seat, letting him have me. Suddenly a fear gripped me. The windows were tinted from outside view but the driver could see everything. “What about the driver?” I put my hand to his. I didn't realize that I had jerked away from him as fast as I did. He stumbled against the backseat. Right elbow catching to balance himself. “He gets paid to drive, not judge.” He recovered his balance and reclaimed his close proximity to me. His eyes were pleading and I couldn't deny that the only thing I wanted was my body at his disposal. 

“I'm sorry.” I hated myself sometimes. For the fear. I never wanted either of us to feel our love was at a cost. Never wanted it to feel wrong. That sadness I saw in his eyes when he asked if I regretted us was something I felt immense grief over. I had caused him to feel unsure and I swore I wouldn't make him feel that way again. We knew the consequences of what we did. It didn't stop us. Every choice we made could hurt the women we chose first. Yet the pain of my guilt could never feel worse than the pain of denying him. That hurt in his eyes when I pulled away. It had happened a lot in the beginning when everything came bubbling to the surface. All those years of unspoken somethings. Sparks in closed spaces tend to leave trails of ash. Years of snuffed out fire caught oxygen when we filmed the series. Those first scenes together. Will Graham was the voice that spoke the love I had for him and couldn't say out loud. The longing, the pain, the joy-on screen it was directed at a charming cannibal, but it was me that felt it every day and night until the show was over. All the stolen moments were running through my fingers like sand. The show was ending and I was losing him. After all this time I had him, right here in front of me. And I am fucking it up again. 

“Please forgive me, All I've wanted since you called”, I stopped mid sentence to close the distance between our lips and hovered there. The anticipation of kissing him stole my breath. I felt like the lining of my lungs was shrinking, the two halves collapsing it on themselves. I needed to join us. Breathe him in. I brushed my tongue against my dry lips. The heat his skin was giving off was making the air humid. A fire I was prepared to run headfirst into. That's when he brought his finger to my mouth, inserting it just slightly beyond my teeth. I took the opportunity to nip it. 

“There's my little mongoose.” 

That's when his little mongoose pounced, pushing him back into the seat. I tried to make myself as comfortable as possible. The car wasn't that spacious and we were both incredibly aroused. It was an amusing and hot sword fight. 

“You want me to play wounded FBI man, is that what it takes?”

My hands were pressed palms flat against the backseat. M was sitting facing me as I straddled him. He had his head tilted up just taking me in. Those beautiful, magical hands were cupping my ass pulling me closer to him. I could feel his need threatening the thin barrier my pants were providing. I couldn't hold back the whimper it caused in my throat. Feeling him wanting me. He devoured that whimper with his mouth. Coaxing more out of me with his tongue. I brought a hand to his chest. I had to catch my breath. I pressed my forehead to his. Lips still lingering. Breathing in unison. Heavy. Hot. Needy.

“Do you know how much I love you, how desperately I've needed you. I've missed you so much Mads.”

“I couldn't love you more than I do at this moment. You're always here”, he took my hand and placed it with his over his heart entwining our fingers. I could feel it hammering. A beat matched by my own. 

I moved off his lap keeping our hands joined. I eased into his side, his free arm enclosing me. Happily I snuggled into him. He tilted his head towards me as I nuzzled his neck. The warmth of his cheek on my forehead sent a warm sensation through my body. I felt so perfectly content in that moment. I was blissed out and completely at peace. I didn't want to ask the next question. When the show ended and we moved on to other projects everything just stopped. The feelings didn't of course, but the intimacy. Neither of us was naive to what we had done. What I wanted right now, in this car.

“Will we have time alone?” He could feel me pouting against the skin of his collarbone. This made him chuckle. 

“Are you pouting my love?”

“Maybe?” I teased. 

“She's gone for a little shopping adventure with a friend.”

“For how long?”

“Two days.”

I lifted my head to look him in the eyes. 

“I want to spend every moment tangled up in you.”

“My lovely Brit, I am at your mercy, I have but one small request.”

I took this opportunity to be completely cheeky. Raising one eyebrow in a questioning glance. I am quite aware of the power this particular gesture wields. 

“My dear Hugh, are you Will Grahaming me right now?”

I smirked playfully, “oh I thought with that mongoose comment that my beloved Dane was into a little role play.”

I have never seen my fella get so serious so quickly, “All I want is you.”

“Babe, did you say Hugh or you? Your accent is sexy as hell but honestly sometimes you mumble.”

All seriousness shattered. In a move that almost caused me whiplash I was pulled into a gloriously suffocating embrace. I was suddenly seated in his lap with my back pressed firmly against his chest. I leaned into him so that our cheeks touched one another. I felt hungry teeth reaching for my jawline. His destination blazingly obvious. When he found his target, light nibbles to my ear lobe caused tiny vibrations under the thin skin. Nerve endings were firing on all cylinders. The heat was rising in my groin. I could feel the soft material of my pants growing taunt against my reviving erection. All this foreplay, stop and start, was taking its toll on me. I needed him to release me. 

“Please touch me. I'm begging you. I am in absolute misery. You're killing me.”

A wordless response hit my ear like fire, spreading to my cock which was completely engorged again and throbbing so hard I was becoming slightly uncomfortable. The next few minutes were like a blur. Delirium and impending pleasure had taken hold of me. His left hand at my throat. Delicious pressure at my Adam's Apple. I brought my left hand up to grab a fistful of his hair lifting his face towards the roof of the car.

“Do you want to come for me my love?” 

His hold on my throat only allowing a whispered response, “Please baby.”

 

His right hand moved towards my lower body. It wasn't going to take much. I could feel myself on the brink. Slowly and deliberately he pulled the drawstring of my pants loose. His palm brushed my shaft as he moved towards the head, precum and heated contact had made me slick. He moved his thumb in a swirling motion at the slit. Each pass threatening my resolve. Moans were trying to escape my throat but were being held captive by his powerful grip. The teasing was building excruciating pressure. I thought I was going to pass out. He craved this torture. It's what made him a wonderful lover. He unraveled me and sent me hurtling towards the edge. Thin tightropes between pleasure and pain. Pushing me to the precipice. Never letting me fall. My parachute. Landing me safe. 

“Show me how you want to be touched”, he demanded. 

Pulsing veins and soft palm merged with hot slick skin. The pressure on my throat held steady. The strands of honey and silver still grasped tightly between my fingers. Perfect alignment with the slow strokes of two hands in unison. Perfect rhythm building to climax. I delighted in the exquisite agony he was causing me. I could feel him between the curves of my ass. I wanted him inside me. I rutted against his cock with each stroke.

“I need you to fuck me SOON.”

The thought of him deep inside me was a pulled trigger. I was there. I released my hold on his hand. I felt my break coming. With all the breath I could muster I whispered, “Now.”

His grip on my cock tightened. Strokes became quick paced and possessive. My body at his command. I was helpless. 

“Let go baby. Jeg Elsker Dig.” 

Relief spilled out of me swiftly and copiously as I gave into my climax. I was struck with a giddiness and oddly a tinge of embarrassment at how maddeningly I came. The things he made me feel. These reactions he coaxed out of my body truly amazed me. Simultaneously, he let go of my throat and I his hair as I tried to figure out how I was going to clean up the huge mess we had made.

“Are you happy now?” He asked grinning like the Cheshire cat. He turned his head slightly so I could see his mouth.

“I was happy the minute I got your message to fly down.” I smiled into the side of his head burying a chaste kiss to his scalp. 

He had released my softening penis and leaned towards the side of the car, stuck his hand in a pocket on the door and revealed a hand towel. 

Handing it to me, “Here.”

I laughed, “So were you planning on seducing me IN the car?” I took the towel from him and proceeded to clean myself as best I could. 

“Darling, I want to make you orgasm as much as your body can possibly handle.”

“You have two days. Use me up.”

After I had sufficiently cleaned myself I awkwardly folded the soiled towel and tossed it in the floor. I would have to shove it in my pocket when we got to the house. This poor driver had been subjected to enough. Thankfully I had noticed, albeit after getting the most intense hand job I've had in ages, he had put earbuds in and was completely oblivious to us. Mads had DEFINITELY planned on some kind of car debauchery. I moved off his lap positioned myself next to him. He draped his arm over my shoulder bending it slightly back towards his body pulling us closer. It's corny, I know, but I couldn't wait to fall asleep in those arms. I wanted to feel captured. I wanted to feel like an us. 

There were really no words genuine enough to explain what I had with him. When we were together, I felt incredibly honored. I was fully loved by two amazing people. People will call that greedy. Call me a liar. Cheater. And maybe they were right. I admit in the beginning I felt horrible and I would feel remiss if I didn't admit that sometimes I still feel that way. But how can I explain how whole I feel with both of them? They have all of me equally though separately. Sole owners of this beating heart when we are alone. Never choosing one love over the other. When I allowed these feelings for him in my life I knew the consequences. She got my heart first, but they both will have it until the day I die. His love may be a secret to the world, but that doesn't mean he deserves any less of my absolute devotion. The moments we share are fleeting and I will always be grateful for the relationship we've created however unconventional. Whatever time we had I wanted him to know that I was present. 

Out in the distance I could see the long driveway that led to the villa. As we got closer my impatience grew. I wanted to get out of this car as soon as possible. I needed to hold him out in the open. Locked together in sunshine, blessed by the light of the Gods. I wanted our love to illuminate rather than cast shadow. He sensed my unease and placed his mouth to my head rustling my short curls with his lips and breathing me in. He placed the lightest kiss to my scalp and hummed calming words.

“I'm so happy you're here, but most importantly I'm happy this car wasn't bigger or those headphones wouldn't have been a sufficient distraction.” 

We were still laughing as the driver pulled away. I had been able to swiftly shove the soiled hand towel partly in my pocket before the driver opened the door for us. That poor man, I hope he wasn't too traumatized. We walked to the front door, M entered first. I was about to suggest a nice cooling swim as I moved towards the foyer, but barely made it through the threshold of the door before I was pulled into a vice of tendons and muscle. I was imprisoned. His dizzying scent overtaking my senses. I felt his teeth searching the exposed skin of my neck. There was a clattering of luggage on the marble floor as I was being pulled then turned around and propelled forward towards the living room. I was at his mercy. His prey. I wanted him to consume me. I was being steered towards a particularly stunning sofa. My body vibrated at the thought of him bending me over the pristine white leather and burying his cock so deep in me I could still feel him hours later. When we reached our destination he pressed me into it. My hands gripping the high back in anticipation. I felt breathe along the curve of my neck then teeth gnaw just below my ear. Both of his palms were pressed flat to my chest pulling me backwards into him. I could feel a fevered heat radiate in my chest and spread down my legs. I was partially immobile. His legs were flush with mine, knees pinning me from behind. All I could move were my arms and hands which were as white as the couch. Knuckles clenched. I could feel his cock pressing sharp and hard against my ass. All I could think was why was I still wearing pants? I wanted him in me so badly I could feel my hole pulsating. My cock was filling at the thought but I was being held so tight against the couch I was feeling a slight painful sensation. I can't say I didn't like it. I had never known the heightened sense of satisfaction that came with a little bit of pain until that one time he had taken me. It was forceful and possessive. I wanted him to hurt me that night. 

It was the birds. If you want to turn your hot Scandinavian lover into a depraved animal swallow a fake ortolan like it's his big cock. The memories and the need were an aphrodisiac. He sensed the slow building tension in my body his teasing was creating. He sheathed his teeth behind his lips, parting them to release the tip of his tongue, connecting with the soft curve of my ear lobe. His voice came low, with hot, moist breath. 

“Tell me what you want?” he demanded. 

I tried focusing my overwhelming thoughts into a cohesive string of words, “I want you to hurt me.”

I waited for the hesitation. He would do anything I asked sexually but he had reservations when it came to what he deemed as actual pain. That night I had begged for him to take me that way and he had obliged. This man would rather die than cause me any unnecessary pain.

“I don't want to hurt you.”

“Baby you won't hurt me I promise, please, I've missed you so bloody much.”

I fought against his hold. I wanted to rip my clothes off. He would not yield. It felt like torture. I lost my cool and went to the first savage thought that entered into my head. I want him to punish me. Fill me. Own me. Stretch me until I cry out. My lust was a caged feral animal that needed release. Suddenly, with great force and swiftness my shirt was torn from me, buttons flying in all directions. I could have sworn at the time he ripped it completely in two pieces, right down the middle. Next my pants, there was no gentleness to the act of undressing me. I felt the linen against my hardness turn from soft to coarse as they were yanked to the floor. With two hands I was shoved face first into the smooth leather. It felt cool against my heated skin. I turned my face so that I could attempt breathing properly. Before I could steady the rhythm of air passing through my flared nostrils I felt the pointer and middle fingers of his right hand invade my mouth. They hooked into my cheek like a fishing lure, the sensation, causing saliva to pool. At feeling the growing wetness he proceeded to swirl his fingers inside my mouth then retract them. I felt his hardness brush against me. The tease was dissolving my internal organs. He spread me open, using his fingers and my saliva to tease my throbbing hole. Every nerve was firing at his touch. I was going to pass out. I hadn't had him inside me for what felt like an eternity. This was gonna hurt. I wanted it to. He teased me with the head of his cock. I could feel the heat of his pre-cum making me slick. He entered me. Just the head almost made me combust. He pulled back. 

“Baby please.” I whimpered. I was gripping the front of the sofa in anticipation of having him fully penetrating me. Claiming me for his own. 

I was rocked suddenly by nails digging into my hips. Bones aching in his grip. He said nothing as he made one fast deep thrust into me. He nearly split me in half. My body tightened around him. It brought equal parts pleasure and pain, wetting the corners of my eyes. I took a shallow breath. He pulled back slowly, readying himself for a second assault. He fucked into me opening me wider. My flesh was answering in response, softening to his will. The initial sting was subsiding so that pleasure and pain could become equal, synchronizing with my lust. His thrusts were powerful and slow. He was deliberately drawing out his climax. He knew my body. Knew how to use it. I lifted my ass as best as I could in my current situation. It was a wordless command to fuck me harder and faster. He quickened his pace immediately, fucking me so hard I thought we had become one person. A blurring of bodies and souls. He was vocalizing his impending climax while I was trying to forestall my own. I had a very particular way I wanted to orgasm. 

He erupted. The contents of his finish were pushing at the barrier he still presented inside of me. It was euphoric. Feeling him fill me had the similar effects of getting stoned. He was my drug and I wanted this feeling to last longer than a linger. It was a steady high that I wanted to bask in, but I was greedy. I wanted more.

He pulled out of me slowly, prolonging our union for as long as he could. My thighs were becoming slick and sticky. 

I made my request. 

“I wanna come with your mouth on me.”

He backed away from me so that I could right myself. I turned to face him, freeing my erection. He took the sight of me in, parting his lips to wet them with his tongue. My cock jumped. He took my hand and led me to the front of the couch. 

“Sit down.” He commanded lovingly, “and spread your legs.”

I sat, acquiescing to his demand. The sofa felt good against my ass. I could still feel him inside me, it hurt a bit when I sat down but the pressure also added to my arousal. I was a complete whore for this man. I would let him tear me down and build me back up just to be made whole again for him and him alone. My body responded to his in ways I couldn't speak into existence. 

I was still leaking him, so sitting was a bit difficult. I planted my feet firmly to the ground to prevent my body from sliding. He kneeled in front of me, his eyes never breaking the connection from mine. He began massaging my inner thighs, pressing them outwards as far as they would reach. I leaned back as he brought his mouth to me, tongue teasing the head, slick with arousal. This was going to be the shortest blowjob he'd ever given me. Renowned actor and fucking pro at fellatio. He took great pride in it, always making it beautiful torture. If I didn't need to get off so badly right now I would have appreciated it, but right now was not the time. I grabbed the back of his head, yanking silver and gold in my hands. He relaxed his mouth, pulling his lips over his teeth in a smirk of sorts. I crouched down a little to get a better view of my cock disappearing between that devious smile. We locked eyes as he swallowed ALL of me. His mouth was firm. I could feel the back of his throat. 

I yanked my hand, pulling his head back slightly, “I'm gonna fuck that pretty mouth of yours.”

His eyes lit up. He may have been silenced by my cock in his mouth but he wanted it as much as I did. I could see the hunger in his eyes. I started thrusting, slow bursts. He answered with increased pressure and it turned my nerves into a shock wave, striking over my body like bottled lightning. All my cognitive thoughts were canceling each other out and all I could feel was his mouth on me. My toes were touching the cliff’s edge and I was about to go hurtling over. I was engorged and throbbing. The pulse from the friction was brutal and delicious. I was reaching my end.

 

“Your mouth, oh God, baby your mouth feels so good on me, can I go a little harder? Please, I need it.”

 

Using only his eyes he signaled agreeance, having perfected these non verbal cues over the course of our relationship. Sex between us was about pushing boundaries both physically and emotionally. He was the only man I had ever been with and he would be the last. He explored every desire I had with eagerness. We fit in every way imaginable. 

I let go of his hair and brought both my hands to the sides of his face. What I needed in this moment may have been feral and animalistic, but I loved this man and he deserved a gentle touch. Slow became quick. He took every forward motion hungrily, creating a tight vacuum to bring me to completion. I felt my body succumbing. When I came his eyes gleamed with pride and he would have paired that with a 1,000 watt smile if his mouth hadn't been filled with my dick.

“I love you Mads, now swallow like a good boy.” I could be a cheeky wanker sometimes. 

He pulled his mouth downward over me, pulling away all traces of my unraveling, like a sort of sexy cock squeegee. It was hot. I was EXHAUSTED, covered in sex. He stood up and pulled me lazily into his arms. I dissolved like sugar in hot water. I was fulfilled and happy. 

I purred into his sweat soaked neck, “Let's go lay down. I just want you like this for a little while.”

“Should we bathe first?”, I asked when I was met with silence. 

“Nope. I want your smell on me.”

“Mmmmmm. How romantic”, I quipped. 

“You're a cheeky shit.”

I laughed at his attempt at British terminology, “take me to bed.”

He led me to the spare room. Inside was an enormous bed covered in soft white. Two large doors opened onto a beautiful balcony. Sheer drapery flowing with a slight midday breeze. We preceded to remove the remaining vestiges of clothing. Cool white silk caressed every worked over body part as we sank into the soft mattress. He scooped me up into him, my back to his chest. I felt so safe and cherished in his arms. I tried pushing my contentment out of my body through my pores into him. 

“I love you more than I ever thought possible, I hope you know this?” The tears were beginning to flow. I was so overcome. I had missed him. Missed this. His arms felt like home. I didn't want it to end. 

“I do know, I have always known, even when you worried or felt unsure. I have always loved you and I will love you until I have no breath left to whisper your name or strength to taste it on my lips.”

With that I was undone. Tears fell in waves. What did I ever do to deserve him? I was trying to calm my shaking body but I couldn't. His voice called to me through the sea I was drowning in. 

“Hugh please turn over and look at me, I didn't intend to make you sad, I just needed you to know how much you mean to me.”

I turned towards him, my face a sloppy mess. The silk was dampening under the waterfall. All that I felt in that moment was overwhelming yet when my eyes fell into the orbit of his I felt a dam build. He cradled my cheek and I eased into his gentle caress. No words needed to be spoken. His smile was the light I needed in the darkest of days, the fog of doubt I got lost in. I brought our bodies together as close as I could, blissfully drifting off. His warmth lulling me to sleep. 

My heart was so full that first day. Later that evening after watching the sunset, we made love, slow and deliberately, as if we were trying to stop time. We nodded off in each others arms and awoke from a short nap to completely exhaust our bodies until the break of dawn. I didn't want to close my eyes anymore but my body was jet lagged. I could feel him everywhere. He touched every part of me and I just wanted as much of him as I could have in the time allowed. 

My body, however, was screaming in defiance. At his behest, I melted into the strong frame of his chest. Hands sweeping his body, I scanned him to memory. In the years that would pass, I wanted to remember this time. Every curve my mouth tasted, the graying fluff on his chest, his stomach, second only to his hands. That softness was my happy place. He was flabbergasted whenever I gave it attention. It rendered him speechless. The fans were correct in how glorious it was and how utterly besotted I was touching him there. Placing my lips on him. It made him laugh the first time we’d lain like this and I could feel the vibrations on my mouth and it made me so hard that I touched myself until I came while brushing my lips against that warm skin whispering my devotion to it, to him. It was hot. The memory of it now, heating my blood. 

I would always remember us like this. We had a lifetime of love compressed into a handful of encounters. It wasn't fair but we made it work. We made our love valid. Coming to Spain had awakened that passion we ignited back in Toronto, what felt like centuries ago. It was amazing and bittersweet because of what I had come here to do. 

I could feel him drifting off to sleep. I on the other hand was fighting against it despite my body's defenses. I didn't want to lose sight of him. Afraid he would disappear from me. His resting heart was the song that called to me when my soul felt loss for him. When I couldn't touch him. Kiss him. Love him. That beat, much like my name on his lips, was his sirens song. My body, the vessel that crashed upon it. The melody faded as I drifted towards unconsciousness. 

I awoke sometime later to an empty bed. My heart sank for a split second before finding a note.

My Angel,

You were sleeping so peacefully I didn't want to wake you. Come find me darling. 

I love you

 

My heart fluttered. I needed to go to him. Grabbing a pair of his discarded shorts hanging over a chair I made my way to the double doors. The afternoon sun wasn't shining as intensely as it had been when I arrived and a gentle breeze was blowing. A small set of steps off to side connected to a path that led to the beach, a short stroll to the water.

His silhouette comes into view. What a sight to behold. I wish time would freeze so I could frame him, hang his image on the walls of my mind. He is art, illuminated by the rays of sun reflecting off bronzed skin. Droplets of water are trapped in his silvered chest, the top of his head is disheveled from a recent swim. His sunglasses are tinted dark making it impossible to tell if he sees my approach. I wish he could see the ravenous look I'm currently sporting because my beautiful artwork is laying completely nude. He’s a delightful vision, conjuring wicked thoughts. Oh what I wanted to do to him. My body casts a shadow over his sinewy frame as I stand over him.

“Are you trying to kill me?”

The corners of his mouth curve into a smile. 

“Who, me?” 

“Yes you and that god-like physique you're flaunting shamelessly.”

“I can assure you, I meant no harm, but I could see you, uh, taking in the view.”

Smartass. I pounced on him with the swiftness of a jungle cat, tore off his sunglasses and smashed our mouths together. Tongues swirling. A tangle of blending appendages. He gasped for air against the barrage of affection. His voice breaking the onslaught.

“Baby, let's go for a swim.”

Pointing to the pair of his shorts I had found, “Should I remove these?” 

They were ill-fitting on my slender frame. He traced his finger against my slightly exposed groin, it caused a chill & heat simultaneously. The hairs on my arms rose with static from his teasing. 

“I don't think you'll need these.” He unceremoniously yanked them down to the ground, exposing my quickening arousal, and ordered me to step out of them.

“I think we'd better get down to the water before I finish what you started.”

“Let's go cool you off then, shall we, we have plenty of time for you to teach me a lesson.”

We made our way to the water's edge and proceeded to wade further in until we were two heads and two sets of shoulders. I suddenly felt a melancholy wash over me as the bright blue ocean washed traces of him from me. A silly thought I know, but it struck a nerve. A lit match that sparked the thoughts in my brain, like kindling. I wanted to quell the impending combustion. 

I took advantage of the weightlessness I felt and wrapped my legs around his waist, while crossing my arms around his shoulders turning my right cheek towards the sun resting the opposite side on my arm. He returned the affection immediately, wrapping his arms around my lower back, squeezing me with the same loving intensity. He brought his jawline to mine and nudged me affectionately. I could feel a smile creasing the corner of his lips as he tried to catch the side of my mouth for a chaste connection. I needed to savor the time we had alone together, but I could feel words building up. I was overcome with all that I had to say, everything that I didn't. I wanted to scream. Instead I mixed the water holding us with the salt of my anguish. Uncontrollable streams fell from both eyes. I squeezed him tighter to make it stop. Make the world stop. I would have done anything to hold this moment still. I spoke through strangling sobs. 

“I love you so much. I need you to know that. I would have chosen you every single time. What we have is far from perfect but it's ours and I would never have given it up. Even knowing what we faced. I will love you for the rest of my life.”

I raised my head and righted myself so I could face him. In my own distress I hadn't realized that he'd begun to cry in unison with me. He was matching me drop for drop. I took his face in my hands, he mirrored my action locking our eyes in love and pain. I just wanted to block the words spilling out of me with his mouth. I brought our lips together. He surrendered to me. Salt and saliva. Salvation and redemption. I separated us and pressed my forehead to his. 

“Mads, please say something.”

“I'm sorry, I'm just at a loss for words. I wasn't prepared for this. Seeing you in so much pain is nothing I ever wanted to witness again and I don't know how to ease it.”

He brought his lips to my forehead. I could feel his next words ripple across the tense lines. 

“I love you more than you could ever know, I don't think in one human lifetime that I could ever show you. You are locked inside of my heart. Every moment we've spent together as been time I've stolen greedily from a world that could have easily torn us apart. Whatever happens from this moment to the next, nothing will ever change my heart towards you.”

I let his words sink in, the dam that had broken was finally easing its flow. He held his lips in place until I moved to meet them. Breaking free from our mutual embrace our hands found the others under water and we locked fingers. 

I breathed a simple command into his slightly parted lips, “smile for me baby, I don't want this moment to end with tears, I want to remember that smile.”

He smiled into my mouth connecting us with a playful kiss. He unlocked our fingers and I was pulled into his arms once more and held tightly. I added my own pressure to the embrace. It felt like we were trying to become one person. Our souls and hearts were already conjoined, but we had always been greedy hadn't we? We couldn't be satisfied. We devoured each other. Separation felt like starvation. I didn't want it to become so painful to leave him that I resented my other life. I had to save all of us. I had to preserve that part of my heart that was his without sacrificing that part that was rightfully hers. 

He broke the silence while loosening his hold on me.

“Is this our end my love?”

I backed up a bit. This entire time I had been anchored to him by my legs. My feet skimmed the sandy floor. 

“You and I will never have an end. Do you hear me? You are mine and I am yours. You may share me and I you, but I will carry my love for you always. Please don't ever forget that. I will always want you, need you, desire you. We just cannot give ourselves over to that blinding attraction anymore. I would let you consume all of me and that scares me. I can't hurt her. I won't.”

“I won't lose you to any selfish desire I have. I will only have you in the capacity that preserves the best of us.”

He grabbed my hand and started to yank me towards the shore. 

I squeaked, “Hey!! what's the rush?”

“I may acquiesce to your request in future but I have all week to create sustainable memories with that body.”

“Week?” I was suddenly confused. 

“Yes. I suppose now is as good a time as any.”

We reached the shore and stood facing each other. Anxiety was reaching its way to my heart. What was he about to tell me?

“She's known for some time Hugh. It was a risk I took and it didn't end in a loss. Please don't be mad. I've known her for over half my life.”

Surprisingly, I wasn't mad, I was jealous. I had to staunch those feelings because they were extremely unfair. Acceptance, or lack thereof, can't be seen as a flaw in someone else, and it certainly can't be a source of envy. 

“I would never have been bold enough to ask. I just took the moments given to us and took for granted the giving of them.”

“No more serious talk Mr. Dancy.”

He handed me his discarded bottoms when we reached the towel he had been laying on. Since he walked to the beach naked I was gonna get a pretty sweet view on the return to the villa. I tossed the shorts over my shoulder to return the favor. When we got back we decided to take a refreshing shower. I wanted to wash away all the anxiety from the day. Since we had an entire week together I was quite adamant that tonight I just wanted us to lie in each others arms until we fell asleep. I was a caged bird set free. I wanted to be his fully without worrying about what was going to happen next.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The finish line!!! Thank you for taking the time to read my debut. I know Madancy isn't for everyone so tell your friends to stay tuned for some Hannigram & rare pairs!!! I've got a notebook of ideas!!! 
> 
> Please come find me on Tumblr⬆⬆⬆⬆⬆my profile name is the same!!!!
> 
> WARNING: This is the sad bit

_thantophobia (n.) the fear of losing someone you love_

 

   Without warning I was being dragged back through a fog of images, feelings, time, held motionless. I heard a voice, gentle, feminine, whispering for me to come back. A face flashed in front of me. The one I had known for all these years. My comfort, my home. She had shared her life with me, given me the best years of it. Our children had grown up so strong under her care.

 

_“Where did you go?”_ Her tender hands caressed an aging face.

 

_“I went everywhere he did, just got lost in the memories.”_

 

She kissed my forehead and took a seat beside me on the couch.

 

_“It’s totally understandable honey, you were friends for a long time.”_

 

   I could feel the pain resurface. A year had passed since we'd gotten the call from Hanne. He was gone. The first night there was no consoling me. I never thought the tears would end. She held me through it all. I prayed her love was enough to stop it, but it wasn't. Part of me was being torn out and buried in the deep cold earth. I wanted to follow him all the way down. Death had stolen from me as I had time through the eye of a needle. I couldn't admit that he was gone. His heartbeat was the melody that never stopped playing. My skin burned with phantom embraces, ephemeral. I was being haunted.

 

   When I left Spain decisions had been made. I can't count how many times they had been derailed. How many fights we had that turned into passionate missteps. They were sporadic and devastating and beautiful. Who was I think that I could ever live a lifetime without wanting to be thrown into the fire his passion for me ignited. In the end I could never deny him. He knew that and never really pushed me more than I was willing to be coerced. I was held captive, willingly entrapped within him. Why had I ever thought severing some physical part of us would ease whatever guilt I felt? I was the breathe caught in his lungs. He inhaled me deeply. His chest crushed under the weight of my world. He froze time for me, and I melted into the ether. The space between. The heart and the fist are one in love. Hands fight flesh, hearts fight the mind.

 

   Years passed, graying faces like fading photographs but he continued to love me completely. Weathered hands still caressed me. The wrinkled corners or his mouth still made my heart skip a beat. The voices in my head faded to a whisper. Our love song the only sound I heard. I've spent the last year playing that tune on a loop. I was a ghost haunting my own life. Enduring love is terrible. To know that death can touch it with cold fingers was unbearable. I want to tell him I'm sorry for every doubt I had. I want to scream his name until the reaper gives him back to me. I want to cry until my lungs fill up with misery and drown. I want to be selfish.

 

   In these moments I go to him in those secret places in my memory. He's there, catching me up in his arms and telling me I will survive him. I'm stronger I had ever imagined I would have to be. I was our lightkeeper now. We were struck matches and flame. Fire meets gasoline. Our burn never dulled. It never took more than it gave and whatever ashes that remained yielded beauty. 

 

_**Finit** _


End file.
